MiCHELLE LOH’s TESTIMONY

Testimony was written in 2003

Background (birth until 1980s)
I came from a well-to-do family where my grandfather had many properties and lands. Although we were not extremely rich, we had enough to eat, to wear and to enjoy. My parents love me , but I never really knew them. I was showered with love and material things when I was young. Since both my parents worked, I grew up under my grandmother’s care and supervision. I did not really know what it meant to be in need or appreciate my own life. All I knew was fun ...until…..the age of ten when my dad started gambling. He indulged deeper and deeper into it because of his failure in business during recession period. He was also cheated by people and lost a lot of money. He started not coming home and my mother, my sisters and brother were all left in the house. We became insecure of dad. We never knew when he would come home or when he would leave. I saw my mother very disappointed and hurt, yet I could not do anything. I thought I could never trust my dad because he was not reliable. I felt that he never bothered about the family. Whenever he came back, he would just sulk and put on that guilty face. I knew that he was also a very broken and insecure person, but I grew up ‘despising’ my dad. I knew I wanted to do something for my family. All my relatives started pointing finger at us because of the ‘black sheep’ in my family. It hurt me to see my dad cried because of all these accusations. I knew my dad wanted to be given a chance, but nobody gave him that chance, except my mother who stood by him even though she was hurt. She could have left us all, but she did not. She was very firm in pulling the family together again. My admiration for her grew as I saw how she loved my dad and us. I wanted to be as strong as her. Being the eldest in the family of four children, I knew I needed to do well in life, so that my mother would approve of me and I wanted to ‘save face’ for my family among my relatives. My strife to do well became more intense when my grandmother, whom I loved very much, suddenly died of an unknown cause when I was eleven. Since then, I worked very hard in my studies and became more religious and I sought blessings from the idols that my mother worshipped. I grew up feeling insecure and wanting so much to perform well in order to be accepted by people. It was in my futile strife that the true God, Jesus Christ found me.

Conversion story
Due to my good results in Standard Six, I was put into a good class in Form One. It was there that I met my class monitress and some of my classmates, who are Christians. I seemed to be drawn to them because they were nice and friendly people. I joined them for an Easter celebration for the Christians and the meeting left me with more questions which caused me to question my own life. I was shocked and scared to discover the emptiness in my life which I have tried to ignore and deny all the while by striving and drowning myself in movies, studies and religious practices. By watching movies, I could enter into another world which was not my own and I did not have to face the emptiness of my heart. I felt something missing, but I did not know what. My struggle with wanting people to accept and like me left me a person with many masks. On the surface, I pretended to be happy, ‘cool’ and have lots of friends, but inside, I was dying with emptiness and loneliness. I always felt cheated talking to the statues of the ‘gods’ in front of my house because they did not respond to me. When I was told that Jesus is a True Friend and the Living Savior who loves and accepts me to the extent of dying for me, I became very curious to want to know who this Jesus was. Not long after my struggle for the truth and the real meaning of life, I finally came to realize that my emptiness was caused by my sin towards the true and living God who loved me so much that He was willing to send His One and Only Son, Jesus Christ, to die on the cross for my sins. If I was willing to confess my wrongdoings, He would be faithful and just and would forgive me, and give me a new and meaningful life in Christ Jesus. From that moment, I knew the answer had come. And so, I became a Christian since then.

Joys & struggles in growth
For three years, my knowledge of God was only on the mind level. One of the bigger tests was that my parents became really very upset and angry when they found out about this. They thought that they had lost a daughter forever to a foreign ‘god’. In order to avoid being scolded, I had to hide in the toilet to read the Bible and pray. Many times I really wonder if it was worth the suffering, because I have disappointed the one I admired ---my mum. ‘Would she love me or accept me anymore?’ I must admit that I grew up with this insecurity in myself that I need to perform well in all that I do to get approval of others. I knew my parents put high expectations on me. Sometimes I set too high expectations for myself. Even when I became a Christian, I still struggled with these insecurities in my earlier days as a young Christian. At times, I really wonder if it was because of these insecurities that drove me to over-work myself or was it real love for God and others...? To one extent, when I was confronted to take up leadership position, I chickened out. I checked myself thoroughly as to why I felt broken and why I ran away from God when He called me to leadership. I realize that all through my life, I have been living under peoples’ expectations of me, I was afraid that if I was given a task and could not do well, it would disappoint them. I could not bear the pain of being rejected and labeled as “no good”. Though I know God’s love is unconditional and His acceptance does not base on my performance, these were still real struggles for me back then. Many times I questioned why God had to give me so much. It was just unbearable thinking of what would be demanded of me, yet on the other hand, I have learned to appreciate His gifts so that I could use them to serve and bless others. All for Him who gives me His all .... I am but a slave, servant and steward, not mine, but His and His alone. Having to encounter my past, brokenness, my struggles are part of my growing process in a real world. Seeing the needs of the world was a direct response from the prayer that says ‘Lord, break my heart with the things that broke Your heart’. Then, as I think about the people in my college, in the church, family members, loved ones, I knew that I could never stop shedding tears of joy and sorrow....looking at these lives and their little worlds of faith, of families, of relationships, of drives, of ambitions, of frustrations, of self-esteem, of self-pity, of hurts and pains, of maturity and immaturity. Sometimes I felt my heart come alive to want to be there for them, even at my own cost, but sometimes in my selfishness, I settled myself in my comfortable niche, reluctant to move out of my comfort zone. At times being misunderstood, rejected, but many times, seeing ‘new life’ grow out of the bud, I knew it was worth the time, the effort spent investing in their lives.

My life did not turn into a bed of roses overnight, but rather, it was filled with more challenges and obstacles. Nevertheless, I know deep down in my heart that my God would always by my side , guiding me , directing me and communicating with me as a Father would do to his own child. I am convinced that I am not believing in an illusion , but the true and living God who died and rose for me , thus giving me new hope and meaning in life . He had helped me to understand that all my security , my self-worth and my acceptance lies in Christ alone , therefore , I do not need to strive for people’s approval , because I am already being loved totally by God alone. Through the years, the Lord had really made so many changes, not only in me, but also my sisters, brother and my parents. As I looked back, I did feel guilty and remorse for the way I have regarded my dad during those times. It took me a few years to learn to forgive him for what he had done to us and even greater struggle to forgive myself for dishonoring my dad. But I truly thank God for the way He has been working in my family, especially in changing my dad. He has come back, fully repented of his past wrongdoings and we are now living as a very close and contented family with Jesus Christ as our God and Lord. My sisters and brother accepted Christ about a few years after myself and both my parents gave their lives to Christ after 7 years of consistent prayer. Miracles do happen to those who love the Lord dearly.


Church & service background (1990s)
Since I became a Christian (1985), I attended a Brethen Assembly in Kuala Lumpur, West Malaysia – called “Jalan Imbi Chapel”. It is not a main line church rather it is an independent, conservative, Bible-believing church. I had served as a youth leader, cell-group leader and Sunday School teacher in the Sunday School.

Entering UPM (Universiti Pertanian Malaysia, now named as Universiti Putra Malaysia), my vision was widened as I moved into a circle of believers from various denominations and backgrounds, yet believing in One GOD and LORD. There were so many opportunities to serve the Lord on campus. It was truly a very humbling experience. The four years in campus were the most memorable times of growth, renewed vision and direction in my Christian life, testings of faith, learnt humility and understood what it meant to give and love in a greater capacity. My heart has always been for students, be they young children or youth. I knew that I was called to teach…… this is my full-time vocation. Be it teaching in a school, at a college or even at home.

When I started lecturing at Informatics upon graduation (in 1996), I took up the challenge of guiding a group of young people in the college’s Christian Fellowship. There also, initiated a Staff Fellowship among the Christian staff in the college. I believe that to influence others, we as educators need to support and cheer each other on the journey.

Marriage was another milestone for me. I met my husband at the Christian Fellowship in UPM. We served in the committee together. Due to our different church backgrounds, we both had to agree on a Bible-believing church which would accommodate both of us and support us to grow as a new and young couple. God provided “Emmanuel Evangelical Free Church” at Kuala Lumpur, also an independent, biblically-sound church to marry us. This church opened our eyes to witness what a real Christian community is required to have. We were immediately ushered into a cell-group which provided us a good Christian model where families were highly valued. The Lord placed a burden in my heart when I saw the “untroddened library” was under-utilized. So, we obtained permission from our pastor to “revive” the church library again. So, after about a year’s hard work of recataloging, wrapping, reshelfing and replenishing the library (in the midst of my first pregnancy), our church’s library finally came to operation. Really, serving the Lord in whatever capacity brings satisfaction and joy to the heart.


Our move back to sibu (July 2001)
15th July 2001, marked a very significant day for both my husband and myself. Pulling out our roots from the grounds of the exotic Kuala Lumpur and planting them on new, yet healthier grounds of Sibu. Why did we leave the “prosperous ground”? Well, for a healthier lifestyle and better quality family-life. Being a full-fledge city lady like me, I thought I would not survive through, but looking back, it had been a good two years savaging every moment of quality life with my family. The decision to move back to Sibu ended my strife in watering down my guilt for not spending enough time with my firstborn. Back in KL, I worked full-time, that was going out of the house at 7 am and coming home after 7 pm.

Moving back to Sibu, gave me the courage to change from working full-time to part-time. In the earlier days in Sibu, I would spend my mornings with my firstborn – playing, singing, communicating and teaching him. In the afternoons, I would go to teach while he took his nap at my in-laws’ place. I thought that was a brilliant arrangement until my second child came along. My foremost calling was challenged again. All the while, I struggled with the issue of should I stay at home with my kids. Should I quit, even my part-time job, so that I can fully concentrate on bringing them up? My calling as a teacher does not limit me to impart and influence in the confinement of four walls, but beyond. SO, rather than teaching other people, I should fulfill my most important calling that is to teach and train my own kids at home. “Home by choice” is exactly what I meant. To be home with my children, to be there for them at every point of change in their little lives, to witness every single milestone, to pass on our first-hand faith in Jesus Christ…… to train them in the way they should go so that they would not depart from it when they are old. Helping them to establish ‘Strong Roots’ and ‘Secured Wings’ are our parenting mottos. Besides being at home, I have also been teaching at the Toddler’s Class in the Wesley Sunday School where my son is attending.

I am thankful to the Lord for being Faithful and Gracious in His dealings with me in the past, at present and even for the future. I am looking forward to the day when I will meet my Saviour face to face. Oh, what marvelous sight!


A Sinner Saved By Grace,

Michelle Loh Jee Yin